Dallas: No Good Deed
We kind of passed out from exhaustion very early last night after two more whirlwind days of running around New York City like extremely stylish headless chickens, which means we not only missed last night’s Dallas, but we also missed out on the supreme pleasure of live-tweeting Dallas, which is always a hoot and a half for us. And apparently for others as well, since we got up this morning and were met with a brazillion “T Lo, where are you tonight? #DallasTNT” tweets.
So, since we’re playing catchup today, we thought we’d kill two birds with one stone and in lieu of a recap, just give y’all the tweets we would have twatted had we watched the show as it aired.
- John Ross and Elena staring contest. Elena loses.
- Wow, John Ross comes clean!
- Elena: “I don’t understand.” Tell us something new, Elena.
- Wait, why are Elena and John Ross alone in the interview room together with the cops watching? Texas law: it’s … different!
- The camera is missing!
- This lighting is not flattering to Elena.
- You can call her “Veronica,” but she’ll always be crazy Martaronica to us.
- Sitting on the opposite side of the prison table is a new experience for Sue Ellen.
- It’s the John Ross Honesty Tour.
- If your bangs vibrate every time you blink, they’re TOO LONG, Sue Ellen.
- When John Ross says, “I’m handling it,” absolutely no one sighs with relief.
- Christopher: still a giant tool.
- He’s got a point, Rebecca. You’re the last person to counsel him on his anger. Still a tool, though.
- South Fork’s landscaping is sad.
- “I can’t believe J.R. got his family involved with the likes of her.” REALLY, BOBBY? Were you hit on the head or something?
- “It’s time I got my life back on track.” Enter: Elena, with her usual perfect timing.
- Apparently, this is the episode where everyone tells Christopher what a tool he is. We smell Emmy.
- The “Venezuelan Waltz” dude only has one outfit, apparently.
- John Ross, is this really the guy you want to threaten?
- So J.R.’s son is the big fuckup and Bobby’s son is the one everyone’s mad at. The New Dallas is IRONIC.
- Oh shit. We’re back to talking about methane and hydratezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
- Face it: oil is sexier than methane.
- Ewing Alternative Energies. Jock is spinning in his grave.
- Not-Pam is seriously Rebecca’s real mother, right? They even look alike.
- Hipster douchebag “brother” is back. Great.
- No one believes you’re leaving for good, HDB. Except Not-Pam, but she can be dim sometimes.
- Give Mr. Venezuelan Waltz the back of your hand, Bobby. We LOVE it when you do that.
- Jesus Christ, South Fork has had more owners in the last couple weeks than Miss Ellie had sensible shoes.
- DAMN. Poor Little Rich Boy just got fucked up in a prison fight.
- It’s time to unleash some J.R. Ewing on these fuckers.
- “A LATINO gang!” Thank you for pointing that out, Sue Ellen.
- Sue Ellen doesn’t understand thermoses unless they have vodka in them.
- Sue Ellen is going to cross a line and kick some LATINO GANG ASS.
- Christopher’s scowly face is getting old.
- Okay, so Venezuelan Waltz’s name is Vicente. Making a note of it.
- John Ross is repenting and regretting. J.R. would spit nails if he could hear him.
- J.R. dresses much better than he did in the ’80s. Then again, don’t we all?
- Wouldn’t it be funny if Bobby stuck the flowers in Miss Ellie’s grave and oil dribbled out? Or is that just us?
- Bobby’s going to do “whatever it takes” and Sue Ellen is going to “cross a line.” These losers don’t know how to make a threat.
- Bobby’s going to drill for oil on Southfork. BLASPHEMY.
- “I can give them something better.” Please tell us it’s not methane, Christopher.
- Bribing the Medical Examiner. Sue Ellen’s not very good at subtlety.
- Okay, J.R.’s back, everyone. The kicking of asses and taking of names may now commence.
- Venezuelan Waltz dude must be getting tired of various Ewing family members showing up and demanding a meeting.
- Oh, JESUS. He really is going to offer them methane.
- “Why should I care about chunks of ice?” A question the writers of the show needed to ask.
- “I’m going to correct John Ross’ mistake of dealing with shady Venezuelan businessmen by making a deal with shady Venezuelan businessmen!” Can’t see any problems with THAT plan.
- Sue Ellen needs to start wearing colors other than “Texas mud brown.”
- You screwed that one up, Sue Ellen. Has no one in this family learned ANYTHING from J.R.? Except Christopher, apparently.
- “We’re both just trying to make our fathers proud.” That’s the show in a nutshell. Nicely done, writers.
- “I bribed a medical examiner.” “You were trying to protect your son.” Ewing family values.
- Oh, who are you kidding, Rebecca? There are PLENTY of more secrets.
- CALLED IT. We knew they weren’t sibs.
- Next week: SUE ELLEN SLAPS J.R.! Good times, people. Good times.