VMAs Red Carpet, Part 1
Darlings, the whole “tree leaning on power lines” situation, which has been going on for 24 tense hours directly outside our front door, is currently being dealt with by nice young men with too many tattoos and a wood chipper, which means we can finally put away our candles and get back to worrying about much more entertaining things, like hemlines and clutches. Onward, bitches!
Hey there, Georgy Girl. The big-hair look really works for her when she’s being shot for pictures, but in real life, it tends to make her look a little drag-y. Also, that’s a pretty frumpy dress for the VMAs. You can do so much better than this, darling.
“Fuck you, I’m NOT a hooker! DO hookers have these totally classy beaded curtains for their vaginas? I didn’t think so.”
Britney Spears in Moschino
“I’M NOT A HOOKER EITHER, Y’ALL!”
Having relentlessly worked the red carpet for several years now with no apparent career to show for it, Colton’s going back to basics and working the “teenager getting off the bus in the big city” look to see if he can get any takers. And by “takers” we mean “sugar daddies.”
Deena Nicole Cortese
You know, if she pinned a bunch of Ken dolls in jockstraps all over her, she’d be a perfect gay pride float.
No, Joe Jonas, we do NOT want to read any literature about the cult you’ve joined.
Kelly Rowland in Falguni & Shane Peacock
She looks like she has some sort of gay, glittery fungus growing up her dress. Also, with that many metallic elements going on in the dress, you might want to tone down the use of bronzer, honey. You’re starting to look like an Oscar.
Kim Kardashian in Kaufmanfranco
Haven’t you put us all through enough? Go home. For a couple of years.
There are really cute and VMA-appropriate ways to pair Doc Martens with a cocktail dress, but we fear this isn’t it. You need a dress with a little more oomph than this sad bedsheet for the juxtaposition to work.
Maria Menounos in Amanda Wakeley
Double straps, a center drape and a big ol’ zipper is at least one design element too many. This looks like something a desperate Project Runway contestant puts together at the last second. Not digging the superheroine heels either.
Too much bronze/brown for one look. A little contrast somewhere would have gone a long way. But really, how much can we criticize a man willing to go out in a glittery sweater?
Nicki Minaj in Amato Couture and Shojotomo
Island of Misfit Hos.
Nicole Polizzi in Ema Savahl
We are hypnotized by the dress, but despite the fear that we will be sucked into the vortex at the center of her lady area (as well as our fascination with the fact that she can face front with her feet facing sideways), we have enough presence of mind to point out that it’s a tacky mess.
Selena Gomez in Julien Macdonald
Mullet-skirted mantilla. She looks a bit obnoxiously overdressed.
Good enough – although that shirt looks like one of Pa Ingalls’ castoffs. Love the shoes, though.
Victoria Justice in Theia
Cute. Nothing earthshattering. Too much going on around the ankles.
Zoe Saldana in Barbara Bui
Oh, Zoe. Tasteful and understated at the VMAs? Did you not get the memo, dear?
[Photo Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images]