Dress Libs: Blake Lively in Marchesa
Angie Harmon in Azarro, which prompted many responses, but the T Lo-picked favorite had to be Gigi’s for demonstrating a complete mastery of colorful terms for bodyparts, which is essential if you want to be a bitchy gay fashion blogger:
Giiiirl. We’re glad you are all loving on your fun bags but nobody out there was asking you to wrap them up in a bow like they just won first prize in a 4H udder competition. And what is going on with the lady balloon tan lines, sweetie? Are you and Christina Aguilera having a contest to see how much attention you can draw to your pleasure orbs? Dressing them up like Baby Jane wasn’t enough? Maybe you should have paid a little attention to your cootchie coo, because sweetness, it’s kind of floating around down there like maraschino cherries in a lime jello mold. Are you mad at your penile garage? Or did you give it the night off so you could take the bazooms for a test drive? Either way, it looks a little lost among the acres of fabric you’ve got down there. Sugar tits, you’re a zit on prom night Don’t even get me started on the hair. How did you get there? By camel?
Brava, Gigi! “Penile garage?” Brilliance! Look out, Shakespeare! You’ve got competition!
Okay, for this round, we’re breaking out the girl that seems to inspire the most colorful language on the internet. Behold:
Model: Li Ming
Now remember: it doesn’t matter if you like the outfit or not. All that matters is that you be the biggest bitch you can. Are we ready? Go:
(Exclamation or interjection in another language)! What the hell was this (sassy slang term for young woman) shooting for here? All that (colorful synonym for “stuff”) on her bodice makes it look like someone opened up a tube of (something that comes in a tube) and squirted it all over her before she left the house. That awful skirt makes it look like either a (bird) or her (colorful slang for female genitalia) exploded. The shoes are (complimentary term), but a little too (colorful term for “busy”) to go with a dress that makes me want to (do something very harmful to your eyes). And what’s going on with her hair? Is her hairstylist going through a (psychiatric term) phase at the moment? Or are they just completely (synonym for incompetent)? Because (sassy gay term of endearment), your head looks like a (nesting animal) found a place to hunker down for the winter.
[Photo Credit: getty, wireimage, style.com]