Red Carpet Pairs Division: Holmes and Cruise

Way to support your little wifey-poo there, douche. We can guarantee that if this was the premiere red carpet for Mission Incredible VII: Mission Incrediblest, she’d be dressed head to toe in haute couture lovingly hand-picked by Tom himself, according to the principles of Scientology. He can’t even be bothered to change his pants or tuck in his shirt for her. Married Ladies: let’s say you have a party to go to. Nothing formal, maybe just a friend’s birthday party at a restaurant, an event that should be considered way below “Miniseries Premiere” on the social scale. How many of you would let your husband leave the house looking like this? Not that we think it’s a woman’s job to dress her mate, but how many of you would not say a word if he walked to the car dressed like this? 

Granted, she’s not exactly dressed to the nines either. We’ll concede that it’s a cute dress and that she looks fine, if not exactly spectacular. Premiere events aren’t necessarily formal and cable premieres are even less likely to be so. But considering how bad the press has been for this little project of Katie’s and considering how they’d have to know they’d be the focus of the event, it would have made much more sense to show up dressed to the nines, selling the shit out of yourself AND the crappy project you just did. As it is, they both give off the distinct whiff of “Let’s just get through this.” Wrong way to go, and like we said, if the shoe was on the other foot and Tom had a dicey project coming out, he’d have Karl Lagerfeld on the next plane out to L.A. to personally fit his little RealDoll.

Holmes: 5/10
Cruise: 2/10
Combined Score: 3.5/10

Disgraceful. Katie, we’d tell you to withhold sex from him by way of punishment, but we suspect that’s not much of a threat.