Dress Libs: Angie Harmon in Azarro
Darlings, it’s time once again for you to slip on your bitchpants and play Gay Fashion Blogger at home. The prize? The adoration of BILLIONS, which is totally what it’s like to be a bitchy gay fashion blogger. But before you get those bitchengines kicked into high gear, a big gay congratulations to BOB FROM BEANTOWN, who gazed upon this lovely picture of Zooey Deschanel in Marc Jacobs
And came up with this:
“Smell Miss Thing here! Honey you can bat those cow eyes at the cameras all you want, you still look like Wynonna from the neck up, a roman shade from the neck to the knees, and a grand piano wearing Lauren Bacall’s shoes from the knees down. The dress is not a total shipwreck. The color looks a little like something Gonzo might favor, but a true diva could make it work. But that SKIRT! She looks like Lisa Simpson at her 8th grade dance! It makes her look like a Sky Dancer, which is really confusing, because those shoes look like she’s ready to sit down and watch Murder She Wrote! But the absolute WORST are those dark blue tights, which match NOTHING and which make her look like a folk dancer from the Republic of Moldova. This girl isn’t just a hot mess, she’s a FLAMING MESS! She needs to get back to the touch, the feel, the fabric of our lives, PRONTO!”
Lauren Bacall, the Republic of Moldova, and Lisa Simpson? Bravo, Bob.
Now, bitches. Let’s get to work. Behold:
Angie Harmon attends ‘A Night Of Red Carpet Style’
hosted by People StyleWatch in Los Angeles in Azarro.
Giiiirl. We’re glad you (flamboyant way of saying “like”) your (slang for “breasts”) but nobody out there was asking you to wrap them up in a bow like they just won first prize in (contest/competition). And what is going on with the (other slang for breasts) tan lines, sweetie? Are you and (supertacky female celeb) having a contest to see how much attention you can draw to your (yet another slang for “breasts”)? Dressing them up like (something with a bow) wasn’t enough? Maybe you should have paid a little attention to your (slang for “crotch”), because (flamboyant term of endearment), it’s kind of floating around down there like (something that floats) in (a thing in which something can float). Are you mad at your (slang for vagina)? Or did you give it the night off so you could take the (even another slang for “breasts”) for a test drive? Either way, it looks a little lost among the (measurement signifying a large amount) of fabric you’ve got down there. (Other flamboyant term of endearment), you’re a (flamboyant way of saying “mess”). Don’t even get me started on the hair. How did you get there? (Open air form of travel)?
[Photo Credit: getty, style.com]