Dress Libs: Eva Mendes in Prada
There were many bitchtastic attempts and you all made mommy and daddy very proud, but in the end, one of you bitches outshone all the other bitches. SISTER MARY MARGARET took the lead by bringing it nun-style:
“Oh, my goodness, no! If the fashion world is going to bring back jodpers, then they’re even in more need of St. Dymphna than I thought. What is it with these poor souls from red carpet Purgatory? Doesn’t she own a mirror? Does she have any friends to tell her she looks like Little Lord Fauntleroy embracing his inner Ichabod Crane? In 1865? The little pencil case that doubles for a purse isn’t bad, but the that black ribboned cat harness is so bad it’s making me throw hair ball! I just want to rip that Pilgrim ID flounce off of her and run over it with a hay wagon. Honey, here’s a little free advice. If your outfit makes your entire lower torso look like the Pillsbury doughboy gone bang in the noon day sun, and your hair makes you look like wet weed, then you should probably stay home and start a novena.”
Take a bow, sister.
St. Dymphna would make a wonderful name for a cat. We always consider cat names based on how funny we’ll sound when we have to yell at her. “St. Dymphna! NO!”
Anyway, Ms. Mendes steps up to the bitcher’s circle:
during the 10th Marrakech Film Festival in Marrakech.
Okay, first off, she needs to stop doing that thing with her [body part]. She’s apparently [adjective] and thinks she’s at [place or event]. As for her dress, it kind of looks like something [female historical figure] would have worn for cocktails if she’d been a little bit more of a [term for sexually promiscuous woman]. The skirt looks a little like a cheap, flammable [household item] you’d find in a disreputable [type of store], the bust looks like a [something found in nature], and the whole thing is the color of a [type of injury]. Her clutch looks like a [item found in a drugstore] and her shoes look like [shiny fabric] [animal part]. Top it off with makeup that looks like it was applied with [something found in Home Depot] and hair that looks like it was styled with a [kitchen utensil] and this girl just needs to go home and start over.
Have at it, minions. Make us proud.
[Photo Credit: getty, wireimage]