The Fashion Show S2E1: House of Emerald Syx
While that team name was as lame as “House of Nami,” at least they didn’t name themselves something like “House of Happy” or “House of Tranquility,” or even “House Where People Don’t Tell Each Other to Shut the Fuck Up.” Because then we wouldn’t have believed them.
Although we would have accepted “House of Really Lame Runway Staging Ideas.” Because that “dramatic” reveal of each model like she was a piece of furniture in a summer home? That had us laughing out loud and we don’t think that was the intent. It was like something you’d see at a drag ball. Which kind of makes “House of Emerald Syx” sound just about right.
Cindy was one of those super-irritating “Come play with us, Danny” girls who finished the other one’s sentences all the time. We have to say, from the front, it’s a total winner. Beautifully draped. The back, however, is where the needlescratch on the record comes in . Seriously, how do you go from elegantly draped to twisted and heavy-looking in the same garment?
Another thing: the colors this team chose were horrific.
The judges were off to a good start, as far as we’re concerned, because they sent the right designer home. This looked super-cheap and nothing like Iman whatsoever. Any discount clothier will have a version of this dress. And while Calvin didn’t come off looking that well in their altercation, she was the one that started it, and she was the first one to say “shut the fuck up.” It all happened so fast and Calvin’s such a focus-puller that we didn’t realize that until we saw it a second time. We have no doubt that Calvin would make a nun go blue, but she really came out swinging at him for no good reason. Seeya. You are OUT OF FASHION.
Golnessa was the other of the Red Rum Twins, but like her counterpart, she’s One To Watch. This is a very stylish little dress. We don’t love that kind of hem but it’s very in right now. The embellishment around the waist looks like a bit much to us. The judges spent all their focus on criticizing the shoulder detail but we liked that more. Keep the shoulder, get right of the things on the waist, and it’s a keeper. Doesn’t really look like Iman to us, though.
HORRIBLE. Honestly, the judges had their work cut out for them. Like we said, they picked the right one to go, but she had some tough competition. He went on and on about the model not taking the vest off, and to be fair, that had to have been frustrating, but Little Morris Day? We’re her to tell you it wouldn’t have made a difference. Vest on or vest off, it’s still hiddy in the extreme.
Now sing us a mashup of “Jungle Love” and “Tutti Frutti.”
Oh, Calvin. You little attention whore, you. What made this so delicious was his constant ranting about how far ahead he was of the other designers. He’s so far ahead that he’s making dresses that would have been considered tacky at the Grand Ol’ Opry in 1975. This is an evening gown for a low-rent beauty pageant, like Miss Cornshucker or perhaps Miss Cheap Fabric. We hope he stays in the game forever, insisting week after week that he’s the best designer in the room, while churning out dresses that look like they came off a faulty assembly line.
Because this is a reality show, people are reduced down from all their nuances and inconsistencies to character types. Meet the Sassy Black Girl. Except we get the impression she’s not that at all. Well, “black” and “girl” are obviously both correct, and we have no doubt she can get sassy when she wants to, but we tend not to trust reality show editing. One look at this Roland Mouret-inspired dress piqued our interest. It isn’t a perfect dress. It isn’t even a great one. But it is an interesting first try. If she’d edited a bit and if she could execute better given the time constraints, girl’s got a chance, whether she’s sassy or not.
[Photo Credit: Heidi Gutman/BravoTV - Screencaps: tomandlorenzo.com]