The Rachel Zoe Project: You Can Never Go Wrong…
…With a Baby.
Awards season may be over, but Team Zoe still has plenty to do. Namely, an editorial for Love magazine with a Bardot theme to it. Everyone on the team crankily goes about their work. Brad is angry at a clothing rack and snaps at everyone, which makes us wonder if he isn’t turning into Taylor. “Ohmigod,” says Brad. “Am I turning into Taylor?” Rachel is forced by Brad’s incompetence to carry clothes ten feet. She is furious. “I, like, don’t want to be questioned,” she whispers to her camera crew, rooms away from Brad. As always, this is all manufactured and the shoot goes off without a hitch. As far as we could tell, they shoved the model in a pushup bra, rolled her in some furs, and called it a day. Rachel declares it a success. “I’m not only dying, I’m actually dead,” and calls the entire day’s work a “major Bardot fashion moment.” Brad, cranky and gay, has a blunter take on things. “She needs to edit her life a little bit.” We only wished he’d said it with a neck roll and two snaps.
Next, Team Zoe is off to New York for the Met ball. Once again, Rodger and Rachel wander around a hotel room in bathrobes, snapping at each other. Rodger lets the camera know that his needs aren’t being met. “My needs aren’t being met.” Then he tries to open Rachel’s eyes to the possibilities of the world. “You know Rachel, not everything’s about fashion.” Rachel blinks and mentions that she’s going as Marc Jacobs’ date and he’s, like, the prince of fashion.
But first, business. Rachel is slated to spend the day with a Piperlime contest winner, styling things and saying things like “You can never go wrong with patent.” The contest winner is adorably starstruck. As soon as the contractual obligations are met, Rachel and Brad sweep out of there with no intention of ever acknowledging her ever again.
Meanwhile, Joey and Pamela hit the strip joints. Over drinks and with a stack of dollar bills in front of them, they discuss how Rachel works too hard. She has no life, according to them. Which is why they spend their lives discussing her constantly.
Anne Hathaway stops by Zoe Cave East for her Met ball fitting. For no reason whatsoever and certainly not because there are cameras rolling, she picks this moment to talk about the history of her relationship with Rachel and how it has made her a better person. “You saw something in me,” she says with gratitude. Anne Hathaway is an Academy Award nominee. Rachel sums up their deep, deep friendship. “She’s, like, uber intellectual and I’m, like, uber not.”
Later, Pamela visits Rachel, sits down, and bursts into tears because Rachel’s uterus has gone tragically unused up till now. Rachel blinks and smooths her hair after recoiling in confusion at a display of non-fashion-based emotion. Pamela leaves. Weeping. Rachel tries on dresses.
After stumbling around the room like a drunken priest, Rachel decides the more conventional gown is too complicated for her to wear. She settles on a stunning yellow velvet gown that, while chic as hell, tended to point giant flashing neon arrows at her sternum and rib cage, something all the people in the room begging her to have a baby fail to notice or comment upon. Brad in particular is worried that Rachel isn’t enjoying her “Met moment,” which we’re not sure if it refers to the dress she’s wearing or an actual moment in time. We’re also not sure how having a baby would make her enjoy the Met ball more, since we’re pretty sure they have snipers stationed outside the Met in case someone tries to bring one in. Anyway, Brad squares his shoulders and tells Rachel exactly what she needs to hear: “You need a jewelry situation.”
Later, after the glamour of the evening fades to memory, Rodger and Rachel have a non-fashion moment. Having picked out the Chanel cape she intends to wear to the delivery, Rachel has taken the important next step and decided to visit a doctor to see what she thinks of her Chanel cape. She invites Rodger along on the strict instructions that he is to breathe quietly through his nose throughout the visit and to give the doctor no reason whatsoever to believe that he speaks or understands English. Rodger considers this offer. “BABYBABYBABY” he says, agreeing to the terms.
At the doctor’s office, Rodger and Rachel are awestruck to find out that Rachel is 38 and that you can have babies by fucking, something they apparently hadn’t been trying before now. Rodger breaks the terms of the agreement and pressures Rachel into fucking, right there, on the doctor’s desk if need be. Rachel tries to deflect and offers to have sex with Rodger some time next week, but Rodger’s not having it. Now that he knows that fucking makes babies, he’s ready to fuck.
Rachel, however, is not. Rachel needs time to stand on her balcony at dusk with a camera crew before she considers this bold new direction in her life. Rodger hugs her and whispers his support to her. “babybabybaby” “I desperately want to be a mother,” she says to the cruel Los Angeles sky, as she shifts away from Rodger’s insistent erection poking her in the back. Will she, readers? Will Rachel ever learn to put away all her work and ambitions and submit to good old fashioned baby making with her husband, like God and the Founding Fathers intended? Is there more to life than fashion? Like, say, eating? Tune in next season for the manufactured answers to these and many more questions.
[Photo Credit: Bravotv.com]