The Rachel Zoe Project: Not Without My Oscar Dress
We’re STILL in Milan and Rachel STILL hasn’t found dresses for Cameron and Demi. This is turning into a Lord of the Rings style epic.
“I wonder what Mr. Armani will have in store for us today?” asks Brad, which makes us want to visciously slap him because we’re insanely jealous of anyone who lives a life that allows you to say things like “I wonder what Mr. Armani will have in store for us today?”
Unfortunately, even though the collection was fabulous, Rachel doesn’t see any moments on the runway that will translate into moments on the red carpet. Rachel goes backstage to kiss some Italian ass and has an awkward “conversation” with Giorgio even though she doesn’t speak Italian and he doesn’t speak English. Rachel sums it up thusly: “I don’t really understand what he’s saying to me because … I don’t know. He’s just so beyond.” Rachel is inarticulate in any language.
The Gucci show is running late, so Rodger, Rachel, and Brad get a bite to eat. Rodger is the only one who touches his food. Rachel enjoys the brief respite, even if it does mean she has to be in the presence of people ingesting carbs. She declares the lunch a “major moment,” which confuses us, because we thought “moment” was RachelSpeak for “dress.” Rodger is PMSing all over the place because his wife talks about dresses all the time, which is like complaining that a butcher smells like meat. They dash off to the Gucci show, which is “fashion mayhem.” Once again the show is gorgeous, but there are no moments to be found. A fashion disappointment. Rachel fashion pouts. Rodger fashion bitches.
At the Pucci show, Rachel has a momentary meltdown and predicts that her clients will be naked on the red carpet, which tells you something about how desperate celebrities are to be seen. If we didn’t have the right outfit for an event, showing up naked would not be listed among our options. She sees a beautiful blue moment on the runway and declares it “beyond.” Rachel is fashion optimistic. She declares that she is not leaving the venue without that dress. “I’ve lost so many dresses so far,” she says sadly, as if they all died on her. She fashion runs backstage and fashion berates designer Peter Dundas into giving her the dress moment.
The trio arrive back in L.A. only to find out that Ashley is sick. That is so not a beyond for Rachel. Brad thinks it’s very fashion stupid for her to get sick during Oscar week. “Ashley is not showing Rachel how amazing she is.”
Brad is “beyond excited” about the opportunity to dress Johnny Weir for the Independent Spirit Awards, informing us that Johnny is “embarking on a new fashion adventure.” Johnny has the tiniest waist Rachel’s ever seen on a man, a comment which causes Brad to burst into tears. Jealous, Brad sniffs, “I’m actually masculine next to him.” Brad is delusional. Johnny shows them a couple skating moves and Rachel tries a back bend, contorting her body a couple of millimeters and then stopping before her spine snaps in two.
Desperate to regain her love, Brad throws on a pair of 4-inch heels and he and Johnny parade around in front of her, getting increasingly gay by the second until a black hole of gayness opens up over Los Angeles, killing millions.
Rachel invites Johnny to her home to play dress up in her closet. Brad runs out of the room weeping.
Later, the Pucci dress arrives and Brad is in a panic because there are feathers on the dress. “I’m not on feather patrol,” says Brad testily, and amazingly, that’s not the gayest thing he’s ever said. Fortunately for Brad and Rachel, fashion designers are magical beings. “Donatella sent me some sketches,” (we’re jealous again) and work is underway to staple a dress together for Demi at the last minute.
Meanwhile, Rodger is a punkass bitch who whines about everything. Rachel has a migraine. No one suggests that it might be because she eats enough to feed an army (of ants). Rodger and Rachel put on a little performance of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? for Joey, who rightfully informs them both that they have “bitch attitudes.”
It’s Oscar day and Brad and Rachel jump into their fashion-mobiles and head off in opposite directions; Brad, to dress Demi and Rachel, to dress Cameron. Rodger has an existential crisis while waiting in the car. “What am I doing? Why am I here?” Gee, we don’t know, Rodger. We kind of thought you were whoring yourself out for a reality TV show.
Back at the Rachel cave, Brad settles down with a bag of Doritos to watch the red carpet coverage. Brad eats Doritos? Brad eats? Suddenly, the RachelPhone buzzes! It’s Johnny Weir and he has a problem! Someone else is wearing the same outfit as him. Declaring it an “Oscar disaster,” Brad opines that he can’t think of anything worse than that. Genocide, Brad. War. Famine. People who have no sense of perspective.
All crises averted, The Zoe Gang collapses on couches, exhausted and self-congratulatory after a job well done. Except for Rodger, whose PMS has morphed into full-blown menopause. He bitches and moans and whines until eventually, he can’t hold it in anymore. “BABYBABYBABY” he screams. Rachel ignores him in favor of watching Demi on the red carpet. She declares it a “major moment,” adding that the process of finding the right dress is “kind of like being pregnant with a dress.”
Rodger sets his head on fire and runs out the door screaming. Brad offers Rachel a Dorito and she fires him on the spot.
[Photo Credit: Bravotv.com]