The Rachel Zoe Project: How Rachel Got Her Groove Back
You see, Rachel is, in her own words, “a psychotic mental patient perfectionist.” Rachel may have her tiny flaws, but lack of self awareness is not among them. Rachel’s husband Rodger agrees that Rachel should take a step away from her crazy jet-setting life and spend more time being pregnant for him. Wacky next door neighbor gays Brad and Joey are disgusted by Rodger’s declarations of heterosexual longing in front of his wife. Hilarity ensues.
Except hilarity doesn’t ensue just yet because ohmigod, Cameron and Demi, Cameron and Demi. “I’m putting everything on Milan for Cameron and Demi,” says Rachel, determined and focused. Then she hops on a plane for London. You see, Rachel needs to slow down and enjoy life. It’s all very Eat Pray Love, except it was more like Never Eat Go to Fashion Shows Avoid Your Whiny Husband.
Fortunately, Rachel has Kate Hudson and you guys? Kate Hudson is magical. The Magical Movie Star. She sweeps into your life, full of energy and platitudes about how you should live your life and she does things that would embarass most normal people, like burst into song when no one asked her to, all the while with a smile on her face and love in her heart. “I’m a girl from Short Hills, New Jersey and she’s, like, Hollywood royalty,” says Rachel with awe and gratitude. “This is, like, major.”
First step for the Magical Movie Star and the Jet-Setting Fashionista Who Can’t Enjoy Life in their quest to “have some great fashion fun together” is to just sit down immediately and drink a pot-and-a-half of coffee. Life needs to be lived! Caffeine is AWESOME! “Oh my god try on this hat oh my god my head is so big oh my god I love hats oh my god, you should wear Burberry oh my god I never miss your movies oh my god Almost Famous is like everything oh my god what should I do with my hair oh my god your hair is like amazing!”
Next it’s off to the Burberry show for our two answer-seeking pilgrims. And it’s all Claire Danes! And Anna Wintour! Very much the atmosphere for assessing how one should live one’s life. But first! Drama! Kate Hudson won’t get out of the car! Rachel is standing around like a dork with all the photographers looking at her! Why, Kate? Why? Kate emerges and all is forgiven. She wasn’t being a diva; she was just teaching Rachel an Important Lesson about patience. Celebrities. What would we do without their wisdom?
Afterwards, in the limo, between Kate’s sets, Rachel discusses what she’s learned today. “That show was fucking awesome!” (it was.) “That was like, major.” It was at this point last night that Victoria Beckham picked up her phone and dialed her lawyers. Kate Hudson takes her back seat encores after her last song and has one parting lesson for her student: “You have to live life more spontaneously and not get all caught up in your things!” Like, for instance, turning your back on your life of dashing from one fashion show to another and just taking some time out to sit and attend a fashion show. Later, Kate and Rachel visit Rodger and share with him what they’ve learned and experienced. “BABYBABYBABY” says Rodger.
Later, back in Milan, Rachel spends some more me time, not having a baby and shopping in vintage stores. Brad is panick-y and looks a little like Felix Unger in his turtleneck. Sounds like him too. “Rachel has Oscar Amnesia!!!” Rachel snaps out of it. “Cameron should have a princess moment,” she intones. She also lays down the law and declares no black for Demi. Demi is having a no-black moment, apparently.
Later still, Rodger and Rachel visit the Missoni showroom, where they are shown a purse made out of chicken feet, presumably to be worn with a puppy sweater and kittenskin shoes. Visiting the Missoni show gets Rodger thinking. “You know, visiting that showroom has got me thinking,” says Rodger, “and BABYBABYBABY”
Rachel puts off having a baby long enough to visit with Donatella Versace, because, like most of us, “Visiting Donatella is at the top of my list when I come to Milan.” Donatella exclaims that Rachel looks like she’s twenty years old. Donatella’s eyes are merely a decorative feature on her face.
Meanwhile, Brad is hearing the angels. “She’s a gay icon. She’s like the Madonna of fashion,” which, you know what? We’ll give him. We stood a foot away from her at the Whitney Gala last year while she traded airkisses with Lindsay Lohan and even cynical bitches like us were a little awestruck.
Later, as Rachel gets ready for the Bulgari party, Rodger expresses a desire to see her dress sexy. The gays are disgusted by his display of heterosexuality and flounce out of the room, slamming doors along the way like hormonal 14-year-old girls. At the Bulgari party, Rachel meets an exhausted Julianne Moore, who has to, like, fly around the equator twice in the next 12 hours or something. Rachel is impressed. “She is beyond major.” And just like that, Kate Hudson stopped being her friend.
Even later than that, Rachel finds out that while she was out getting away from her whirlwind life and slowing down to take a deep breath and attend some parties and fashion shows, someone else got the Marchesa dress she wanted for the Oscars. She hides deep inside her bathrobe in despair. Rodger tells her it’s all meaningless and she gets stressed out no matter what happens so why not just say fuck it? Also, BABYBABYBABY
Rachel pulls herself together and soldiers on, continuing her quest to give Cameron her princess moment and Demi her not-black moment at the Oscars. Will she succeed? Kittens, what is success, anyway?
[Photo Credit: Bravotv.com]