Rachel Zoe Project: A Series of Moments
It’s still Fashion Week! Rachel and her crew are still in New York and they’re on a mission. Namely, to find Oscar gowns for Demi Moore and Cameron Diaz. Rachel has her sights set on a white gown. “I love a white moment on the red carpet.” Later, when she sees a potential dress for Cameron, she observes “Cameron hasn’t had a princess moment in a really long time.” and then, “Nobody loves a white moment like Cameron Diaz.” When did they stop being called “dresses” and start being called “moments?” Because we can’t get behind that one. It would seriously cramp our bitchy gay fashion blogger style. “That moment is too tight on her.” “She should take a couple inches off the hem of that moment.” “THIS MOMENT IS A DISASTER.” Yeah, it’s not working for us, Rache.
Rodger whines again that Rachel’s million-dollar career hurts his feelings and she has to work on her wedding anniversary. To make himself feel better, he goes to a sex shop with Rachel’s sister, where they giggle over vibrators and something called a “Belle de Jour romper.” Please. Most of us see worse in our spam folders. Later, Pam sits Rachel down and demands that she get pregnant on the spot so that she can feel better about her own choices. Rachel’s holding out and we can’t say we blame her. “When I become a mom, my career goes right out the window,” she says, a sentiment that’s all too true for a lot of women but even moreso for a career like hers. We kind of hate all the baby crap this season. It’s nothing but staging and frankly, it’s a little gross that all these people would play out such a highly personal decision in front of the cameras. Especially since Rachel has never given any indication that she wants a child. Not seriously.
But whatevs. Let’s go see some fashion shows.
First up is Oscar de la Renta and Rachel is shocked (or rather, “shocked”) that everything is so calm backstage. As if he wasn’t so established that he didn’t have an army of people working for him. We’re not always the biggest fans of Oscar’s work because it can be a little staid and establishment at times, but watching the show, we couldn’t blame Brad or Rachel for their over-the-top responses. We’ve been around just enough of these super-expensive off-the-runway looks to know that in person, they’re breathtaking.
Later, it’s a mad dash to make the Michael Kors show. But uh-oh! The Scooby Gang is running late! “We’re making the show even if I’m running,” threatens Rachel and no one anywhere takes the threat seriously. She might as well have said “We’re making that show even if I have to eat solid food to get there.” Later we find out that fashion bitches are rude. Someone made a face at Rachel for arriving late and blocking their view, to which Brad hilariously retorts, “Michael would want me to step in front of you.” Sure, it’s true; Michael probably would want the most powerful stylist in the industry to be treated well and have a good view of his show, but seriously, how can you say something like that out loud and not realize how utterly pretentious you sound? Sort of like Brad’s faux astonishment that Rodger had never been to an Oscar de la Renta show. “You’ve never been to Oscar?” Oh, Brad. You’re turning into quite the little bitch since Taylor left.
Whoops! We said the name! But don’t worry, SO DID EVERYONE ELSE. “This is my first fashion week without Taylor,” says Rachel, “sadly.” “I DON’T MISS TAYLOR BECAUSE SHE MADE ME LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT AND OTHER PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS AN IDIOT!” shrieks Brad. “WHERE’S TAYLOR?” asks a spectacular queen, leaning into their car and taking pictures. They immediately had him killed. But to no avail, for later they learn that Taylor has entered New York airspace. ” “She doesn’t want to be in a space where Taylor was,” says Brad fearfully. The hair and makeup guy whose name we can never remember compares Taylor to a tumor. Whatever they paid her to keep her mouth shut so they could badmouth her every week on television? We hope it was worth it.
Later, Brad attends the Derek Lam show and
sees a dress he likes has a white moment AND a princess moment at the same time as he spies a gorgeous white gown moment that would be perfect for Cameron Diaz. He is thrilled and actually says out loud that Derek Lam is “uptown chic for the downtown girl,” as if that very tagline isn’t as old and musty as the inside of Rachel’s refrigerator. He also says “blouzez,” but at least Rachel has the sense to make fun of him for it.
Rodger gives Rachel her lingerie present and she can barely stand to handle clothing that she didn’t get for free directly from a designer. It’s clear she’d vomit if she had anything to vomit. Still, she’s polite and it was kind of cute that we got to see their honeymoon video. Rachel was a brunette and still too thin but not nearly as thin as she is now. Rodger had a stupid boy band haircut and cheesy facial hair, so clearly not much has changed there.
After that, it’s all a blur of mad dashes – Donna Karan, Marc Jacobs, Calvin Klein, Marchesa – punctuated with faux drama. Rachel stepped on a curling iron! Rachel wants to wear her hair down! “”I’m not leaving this room until you put your hair up,” threatens Brad, which is about as believable as Rachel’s threat to run. Still, we can’t get enough of it. Not the faux drama (although we really don’t mind it), the fashion stuff. You really can’t see this many fashion shows and this many high fashion items anywhere else on television right now, not even the ironically named Style Network (which has no style).
And for all our teasing, we do have respect for Rachel and her crew. It might seem silly that they’re scrambling so much to find the perfect Oscar dress but so what? A lot rides on these types of decisions. It’s a job like anyone else’s. It’s just that the end result is paraded on our TV screens, but that doesn’t make it any less of a high-pressure situation. It’s all about reputations and branding, and Rachel’s in the middle of it, the high-pressure entertainment industry on one side of her and the high-pressure fashion industry on the other. And in between, she manages to oversee the design and production of both a QVC line and a shoe line. For all her fluffiness, she’s a smart businesswoman making her way. She gets a ton of shit and we’re not saying it’s all undeserved, but we’ll take an hour of her searching for the perfect”moment” over an hour of Kelly Cutrone sweatily screaming at her wage slaves any day of the week.
Oh, and is it really bad that as soon as she opened her Rachel Barbie doll, we both noted out loud that she has that Chanel jacket? That’s really bad, right?