Persons Unknown: The Big Fat Wrapup
Episode 11: Janet, You’re Amazing
Janet: I’m in a coffin! MeganMeganMegan! Oh, Erika! It was all a dream!
Erika: You’re amazing.
Mark: Since I’m on a plane now, I should probably do something about this box of thumbs.
Ulrich: Hi Janet.
Joe and Erika: Yo, get off Janet’s grill, man.
Janet: You guys!
Ulrich: I sure do love shaving you, Charlie.
Graham: WTF, Charlie?
Mark: Smuggling severed thumbs is easy, honey. Watch this.
Kat: Give me the bag with the thumbs in it.
Cop: Not so fast.
Moira: I don’t trust anyone here.
Grahame: Me neither.
Moira: Kiss me.
Joe:Ulrich’s bad news.
Janet: Your face is bad news.
Kat: I’ve been FIRED?
Janet: Hi Liam, you’re kinda hot. *gigglehairflip* Except for your mangled hand.
Ulrich: Let’s go in the secret room and make out.
Kat: I’ve been EVICTED?
Pudgy Guy: Sorry about hitting you in the face with my gun. Everyone thinks you stole from kids with cancer.
Bill: Say, Charlie. Nice shave!
Charlie: SHAVES ARE BAD, I’ve decided.
Liam: We have no free will, Janet.
Janet: That’s so hot.
Joe: YOU WERE MAKING OUT WITH HER IN THE BASEMENT! I’M TELLING MOM!
Mark: Yawn. Jail again. LOL I don’t need a lawyer. Let me tell you my crazy conspiracy. theory.
Cop: You’re free to go. Shhh.
Moira: I’ma write ‘LOVE’ on my crazy wall.
Charlie: Snap out of it, Bill! *slap*
Erika: Janet, do you know what you’re doing with Ulrich? Let’s discuss it since we know he’s watching and listening to us. Also, my name is Theresa.
Janet: I’m not into that.
Theresika: Fine, but that Irish dude is trouble.
Director Lady: *fapfapfapfapfap*
Theresika: Joe, we gotta kick some ass.
Liam: Oh god, I love you, Janet! You’re so amazing! Stay away from me!
Janet: *blush* *pose*
Former Night Manager: I’m a Nazi supervillain now!
Director Lady: You’re missing a thumb, you moron!
Kat: Mark, throw out your phone!
Blue Jumpsuit Guys; We’re not the blue jumpsuit guys you’re scared of.
Mark: Whew! Let’s have some thumb tequila.
Joe: Janet, you’re amazing but Liam’s a liar
Janet: Liam, are you a liar?
Liam: Sorry about that. j/k! You’re amazing.
Director Lady: I’m so happy for you, Liam. I can’t wait to attend your wedding. *killy*
Former Night Watchman: Look at my scar!
Episode 12: Janet Has a Plan
Ulrich: You’re hot when you sleep.
Janet: I know.
Director Lady: Oh. Liam. Are you still alive? I mean there?
Everybody: WHERE IS ALL THE FURNITURE WERE GONNA DIE OMFG
Theresika: BODY BAGS! RAARR!!!
Ulrich: You have to kill each other. I has a sad.
Janet: I’ll fuck you if you save us all.
Ulrich: I’ll save you.
Janet: WTF, we’re not negotiating.
Joe: We have no free will. You do what they want.
Janet: You are so not hot anymore. Okay maybe a little.
Hippy Dude: Far out! Your thumb guy is alive.
Kat and Mark: LOL WHAT
Director Lady: Liam. How nice to hear from you. You’re still alive, I see.
Liam: Come on, everybody. I’ve totally changed my mind! *’splodey*
Thumb Guy: I’ll simply die if I don’t get that recipe!
Mark and Kat: WTF?
Janet: Guys, we need to stick together.
Graham: Moira, I want to see other people.
Moira: *crazy eyes*
Bill: You guys never loved me! I hate you!
Mark and Kat: SECRET INSTITUTE? ROTFLMAO
Theresika: Hey Brighteyes, gimme some sugar.
Janet: Not into it. Okay, maybe a little.
Mark and Kat: We have no phones or money and one of us is a fugitive from the law but we made it to Iowa somehow, so HERE WE ARE, SECRET ORGANIZATION! OVER HERE! WE KNOW YOU’RE EVIL!
Director Lady: LOL
Theresika: Hey, Moira.
Graham: I am so over you.
Moira: Stop looking at me!
Joe: Whoa, that bitch is crazy.
Graham: Moira, I was wrong, baby. *dies after falling 8 feet*
Janet: You’re such a bitch!
Joe: We made it, Janet. Let’s have a cocktail.
Joe: I win.
Mark and Kat: WTF?! Where’d we get this car?!
Janet, Moira, Graham, Theresika, Bill, Charlie: PSYCH! Peekaboo!
Janet, Moira, Graham, Theresika, Bill, Charlie: D’oh!
Episode 13: You Guys, What Happened to Janet?
Joe: Where are you going, Janet?
Janet: Go away, you’re in my head. I’m sleepy. Now my hair is different. I must be in a flashback.
Mark: I am a total dick.
Nurse: You’re in a hospital, Janet. Don’t act crazy.
Janet: *acts crazy*
Nurse: They never listen.
Cop: Your crazy story sounds just like the crazy story your ex-husband told me.
Janet: Pfft. THAT dick?
Doctor: Patients who talk are annoying. Knock her out.
Theresika: Morocco? WTF?
Moira: I know! Weren’t we in a car crash?
Bill: We’re in a car? WTF?
Charlie: LOL How did THAT happen?
Mark: That phone you destroyed, Kat? It’s in my pocket again and it’s ringing!
Mark: They found my wife!
Director Lady: I am a totally legitimate doctor. Janet should be locked up forever for being a liar, liar pants on fire.
Janet: I’m sitting right here.
Nurse: How are you, Janet?
Janet: *EPIC BEATDOWN*
Cop: Hey, there’s that guy with the severed thumbs that I let go free. I probably shouldn’t have done that. Get him!
Blue Jumpsuit Guys: Surprise! We’re the REAL Blue Jumpsuit Guys!
Director Lady: See, Joe? Janet’s strapped to a hospital bed and drugged up! I TOLD you she was fine. Have some tea.
Joe: I hate tea and I hate your ASS FACE. Janet totally rules and you’re a LOSER.
Janet’s Mom: Janet?
People in Conference Room: You really fucked this one up.
Director Lady: Let me explain.
People in Conference Room: Talk to the hand.
Director Lady: You all suck. Janet is amazing.
Janet’s Mom: I’m sorry for all those undefined bad things I did to you at some point in the past.
Director Lady: Give her up, bitch.
Janet’s Mom: Not without my daughter, whore!
Director Lady: You promised.
Janet’s Mom: ‘k. Janet? Time to go, honey. I’m involved in the whole thing, so uhhh….sorry? Again?
Janet: You are unbelievable.
Kat: I’m in a CAGE?
Tori’s Dad: I know, right?
Director Lady: Hello Graham.
Graham: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Wait. How did I get here?
Charlie: You know, Bill…you look pretty cute by that fire.
Bill: Where are we? Haven’t a couple of days gone by since the crash? How are we eating? Your wife’s name is Charlotte.
Charlie: Repeat that last bit?
Pudgy Guy: So, yeah. I’ve been working for your mom this whole time. I’ve been trying to protect you by hitting annoying journalists in the face with my gun.
Janet: Thanks, I guess.
Pudgy Guy: I’m gonna wait outside your hotel room all night. That’s totally not creepy.
Janet. ‘k. Night.
Janet: Good morni–oh fuck.
Joe: Oh fuck.
Mark: Oh fuck.
Moira, Charlie, Bill, Graham, Moira, Janet, Theresika: Oh fuck.
Former Night Watchman: Psych! You’re on a boat!
Joe: I’m not.
Look, we’re not angry. We could be, but we’re not. It was a diversion during the lighter months of the summer and for the most part, it managed to hold our attention. Of course, part of the reason it held our attention is because we were promised that the whole story would be wrapped up by the end of the summer. Repeatedly. Obviously, that was never the intention. Given that NBC essentially burned off the last 4 episodes in a one-week period, we think it’s safe to say the ratings aren’t going to warrant a Season 2.
Which is almost a shame, because “Welcome to Level 2″ is not a bad way to end a first season. But not only did they not wrap it up, they basically answered no questions at all. And worse, no character on this show acted in a consistent manner or in a believable way through most of the story. It was noticeable early on in the season but it became something of a narrative epidemic by the time they got to the end and had to figure out some sort of way to propel the story.
We could have attempted a semi-serious recap and analysis here but frankly, the show ended so sloppily that we don’t think it warrants the attempt. We could rant and rage about how the show turned out to be one big lie, but honestly, we were so ambivalent by the time it got to the end that we couldn’t work up the bile. If by some miracle there’s a season 2, we’d check it out, definitely. The setup still has potential even if it dissolved into some major silliness at the end there.
Labels: Persons Unknown