Ice Princesses: The Costumes, Part 1: The Men
Fine. We heard you. You win.
Darlings, we had absolutely no plans to do this and in fact, kept stubbornly insisting we wouldn’t do it, but you bitches just kept asking and asking and asking. There were a lot of reasons not to do it: too many other people are already doing it, the jokes would be too easy, and most important of all, as we have indicated in the past, we know practically nothing about competitive figure skating. We didn’t even watch most of the Olympics because we simply didn’t have time. So for you, our beloved minions, we’re going to rip on the skating costumes because so many of you begged us to.
But before we begin, some ground rules: Our limited exposure to the world of figure skating has shown us that its fandom, like most fandoms, can sometimes get a little, shall we say, rabid. Know this, rabid fans: If you see a picture of your favorite ice princess on this page, steel yourself, because they’re here for us to make fun of them. If you’re going to get all indignant and start posting their stats or give long explanations excusing their sartorial splendor, then this isn’t going to be fun. Take it with a grain of rock salt if you have to.
Now. We ready? Ice Princesses…GO!
Abzal Rakimgaliev of Kazakhstan
Is he a very sad glittery tree or a skating salute to cardiovascular disease?
What an adorable little toy soldier. Looks like a Christmas ornament.
The thing that cracks us up most about skating costumes is how everyone agrees to pretend like they don’t look like…well, what they look like. On any other man in any other setting, this outfit would read as the sleaziest, most “airport lounge” look you could imagine. The gold chain? The glittery open shirt? The skin tight pants? Come on now!
One of the waiters from the Harmonia Gardens scene in Hello, Dolly!
The very picture of rugged American masculinity.
We always ask, “Why are the costumes so extravagant for a sporting event? Why can’t they just wear regular clothes?” You know why? It’s BORING. We don’t want a skater in the Olympics to come out on the ice looking like he’s on a smoke break from working in the mail room.
CASE IN POINT. This is how it’s done, bitches. Embrace your fabulousness.
Now, we’ll grant you, this FrankenBarbie on Ice look wasn’t exactly classy or even beautiful, but everyone noticed it, didn’t they?
“I am a fabulous little twirling skeleton!”
Okay, maybe it’s not such a great costume, but this is the only time we’ve ever looked at someone in a skeleton costume and wanted to see them naked, so he’s got that going for him.
Cater waiter at a Russian mafia wedding.
Nothing says “down on the farm” like some Italian guy twirling around in a “Hee-Haw on Ice” routine.
Before this decade is done, Adam Lambert is gonna have a lot to answer for.
There should be a rule that ice-skating costumes cannot look like something you wore out to a nightclub in 1997.
Adrian Schultheiss of Sweden
Okay, maybe we’re biased because – hello? Platinum blond Swedish athlete with cheekbones to die for! But we actually really like this outfit. It manages to combine the drama of a costume with almost real-life clothes. Also: ass.
God, the WORST is when they do these little unitard tuxedoes. Put some giant 4-fingered white gloves on him and he’s ready to greet the crowd at Disney World.
He should have taken the “Siegfried and Roy” tribute to its natural conclusion and had a white tiger come out at the end and maul him.
Man, there must be such a cloud of flatulence out there on the ice, don’t you think?
The ultimate ice diva. We like this costume quite a bit more than the FrankenBarbie one. Sure, it looks a little like something airbrushed on the side of a particularly gay van, but the wing motif really works when he’s got his arms out.
We’re not even going to try and intellectualize or defend it: we like this costume. Maybe it’s the colors, maybe it’s the thick belt, maybe it’s the ass filling it, but yeah, we like it. Sue us.
Now see, THAT’s a really cute, Chaplin-esque take on a tuxedo look.
He’s spelling out “macho” in Russian, in case you didn’t know.