Make Me A Super Model: Episode 1
It’s back, bitches! Time to get really judgmental. Are you with us?
Gotta say, Tyson just gets better with age. And we like the new development that he and Nicole, his fabulous new co-host, are not acting as judges anymore.
Speaking of which, Nicole’s a huge improvement over Nikki Taylor. We need a fabulous bitch on this show and not someone who acts like she’d rather be spending more time with her kids.
Let’s take a look at some of the…*ahem* “models,” shall we?
Colin: “I never really had much attention from the girls. I’m a 21-year-old virgin.”
HOW can someone go on national television and say something like that? Dude, have a little dignity. He’s got a great face, one that’s made for the camera in fact, but that hair has GOT to go.
Chris: “The core of my look is androgynous. I have the advantage of looking more masculine for a shoot or slightly more feminine.”
Ummm, yeah. We weren’t exactly seeing any evidence of his supposed ability to look “more masculine” last night.
Salome: “When I think about my mom, the mennonite, or my dad, the mennonite, if they could see me naked in a box making out with a guy.”
Oh honey. Who are you trying to kid? You WANT Ma and Pa to see you making out with a guy in a box. Nothing wrong with a little teen rebellion, but let’s not pretend you’re agonizing over it.
Two things: we kinda hate the way she pronounces her name, like it rhymes with “baloney.” We’d always heard it pronounced “SALomay.”
Second thing: She’s got a lot of potential but like a lot of the contestants, she probably needs to lose a couple pounds. Hey, don’t yell at us. We don’t make the rules.
Branden: “Me and Chris working together, it makes me feel a little worried, the gay problem between me and him because I’m especially not gay, I know he is.”
What the hell does “ESPECIALLY not gay” mean?
Lorenzo thinks he’s cute and Tom thinks Lorenzo is a perv for lusting after someone who can’t remember the first term of the Clinton administration.
Keep that up, boy and we are going to rip you to shreds for the rest of the season, assuming you make it that far.
Besides, you did a perfectly good job of making it look, like, gay yourself.
We thought the photo shoot gimmick was a little dumb, but in the end, it was pretty smart.
Because it forced the models to do something very difficult and the really good ones rose to the top. Sandhurst definitely has what it takes.
Others, not so much.
Salome did well but how embarrassing for Gabriel, who got a hard-on. Honey, strap that thing down for the underwear shoots.
Perou, who, we have to admit is a bit of a jackass, summed it up pretty well: “Man, these guys are fucking awful.”
We liked the idea of each photo shoot’s “winner” getting a “go-see,” but we had to laugh at Lebanon Baloney here having not one shred of tact when it came to picking her partner: “Somebody that won’t beat me.”
Unfortunately, the bitch couldn’t walk to save her life, but as we saw later, she’s not alone in that.
You know your audience so well. Ken fills out a pair of briefs nicely but his attitude sucked.
“It’s not that I can’t do, it’s a question of ‘Is it worth it?’” Well then, why the hell are you here?
Our mouths dropped open during the runway sequence because almost none of these bitches can walk.
It’s sort of like when a contestant on Project Runway whines because they don’t know how to use an industrial sewing machine. We’re always like, “Well WHY DIDN’T YOU LEARN BEFORE YOU CAME ON THE SHOW?!?”
Seriously, it’s not THAT hard to develop some semblance of a runway walk.
Chris was just painful to watch. Like he expected someone at the end of the runway to slap him or something.
Jordan’s walk was pretty good, especially considering the ridiculous dress she had to wear.
Colin’s wasn’t too bad, but the judges hated it for some reason. They bitched about his bobbing head but they were probably just distracted by his 1988 hair.
Some of the girls were wearing pieces from Christian Siriano’s Spring 2009 collection and not only did they not mention that, they said the models were going to wear designs inspired by the collections of Zac Posen, Prada and Alexander McQueen. Oh, the irony:
A big sloppy French kiss to our DivaPoodle, Catherine Malandrino, who left everyone in the room whispering “What did she just say?” every time she opened her mouth. Something about making it look “efortlass.” Oh, who cares? We love her.
But why is Perou dressed like he’s starring in the Michael Jackson version of A Clockwork Orange?
Still, we can bitch all we want; at least they made a pretty good call last night.
Jordan definitely deserved the win…
And Ken definitely deserved to go home. It’s not just that he didn’t have the look to be a supermodel, he clearly had the wrong attitude about it too. Sayonara, muscle boy!
[Photos: Bravotv.com/Getty Images - Screencaps: projectrungay.blogspot.com]