Honey, we can’t really count ourselves among your biggest fans, but you’ve always provided us with the pleasure of making fun of your clothes or bitching at you for charging people to listen to your vocal exercises, so on some level you HAVE provided us with some entertainment. For that, we are grateful. But darling, we simply MUST register our disapproval of your latest cover for Interview.
Look, it’s not that we think you’re past your prime at 37, nor are we the types of body nazis that insist that one must only pose semi-naked if all of one’s ribs are visible. If we actually HAD taste in women, you wouldn’t be ours, but we can admit that you are attractive and certainly there are plenty of straight men who wouldn’t throw you out of bed for eating Oreos Ben & Jerry’s Pop-Tarts crackers.
It’s just that – isn’t this getting a little…tired by now? You’ve spent most of the last 15 years with skirts slit up to your vulva and tops plunging down to, well…your vulva. Barring a Penthouse spread, there’s nothing left on your body to show. We’ve seen it. A lot. And despite your best efforts, Daisy Dukes never came back in style.
Our unasked-for advice? Take a page from Madonna. No, not the African baby page, the moving-on-from-sluttery page. You see, in spite of your (even we can admit) ENORMOUS talent and self-proclaimed Diva-hood, you come across more like a desperate, aging cabaret singing in a lounge near the airport. We get it. You have breasts. Fantastic. Now show us you’re fabulous. Or at least show us you hired people to make you LOOK fabulous. Are there no homosexuals among your personal assistants? Have you beaten them into submission? Because no self-respecting queen would greenlight a cover that makes you look like you were surprised in the shower.
Here’s a free tip from us. Divas – true divas, that is – aren’t about the tits and the ass. They’re about turbans and diamonds, eyeliner and attitude. They don’t care if people think they’re hot because their talent and their self esteem propel them beyond mere issues of attractiveness or fuckability. Go slumming in a drag bar. Those bitches will show you how it’s done.