Musical Monday: The Sound of Music – Part 2
Previously on Musical Monday: A lark who is learning to pray…a flibbertigibbet…to face a world of men…doorbells and sleighbells and schnitzel with noodles…a drink with jam and bread…one little girl in a pale pink coat heard…small and white, clean and bright…a sad sort of clanging.
Suspecting that the Baroness had something to do with Maria’s sudden departure, the children surround her and attempt to stone her to death.
The Captain intervenes and informs the wild-eyed children that instead of beating her to death, they all have to welcome her as their new mother.
They attempt to act pleased, but this is the best they can manage.
Elsa, on the other hand, is salivating over the prospect of being legally allowed to beat and imprison them whenever she feels like it.
Later, the children rush off to the Abbey to see Maria, but Sister Lila Quartermaine calls the girls whores for having hair and tells the boys to stop masturbating or they’ll go to hell.
The Reverend Mother calls Maria into her office to berate her for allowing a man to see her hair and ankles.
Taking this to mean that she should go back and see if the Captain will sex her, Maria puts on her tightest dress and returns to the family, where she abruptly starts singing again.
The singing soon ends as the Captain enters the picture and even the 5-year-old can sense the sexual tension in the air.
Elsa’s having none of it.”Darling, isn’t it wonderful? Your dumpy little singing nun is back! Why, I think she might have cut her hair for the occasion! And look! I believe she’s wearing a new dress! Did the abbey get new curtains, dear?”
Later that night, Maria walks the grounds in a flimsy dress and the Captain tries to see if she’s wearing underwear or not.
He realizes he has a fetish for boyish, asexual women and reveals this to the Baroness. Since she’s not willing to cut her own hair and wear sensible shoes for him, she saunters off with an “Auf wiedersehen, darling.” and a cutting remark about how lousy he was in bed. She steals some silverware on her way out.
Before the Baroness has even had a chance to call a cab, the Captain is off to get him some nun.
Who knew it was so easy?
On her wedding day, the nuns follow her menacingly and taunt her by calling her a shameless hell-bound whore.
STOP! Nazi Time!
In a flurry of uncomfortable expositional dialogue, we learn that:
a) Austria is now under Nazi control
b) The Captain and Maria have been away on their honeymoon for a month
c) They left the children in the care of their creepy “Uncle” Max
d) He’s taken the opportunity to whore them out for money
e) The Captain and Maria are self-centered assholes without a lick of common sense
Rolf, practically preening in his shiny new uniform, sneeringly tells Liesl that he’s into leather now and doesn’t have time for her.
After a month-long marathon of non-stop fucking, the happy couple decides to come home to see how their children are faring after the Nazi invasion. Maria suddenly has breasts.
The Captain is furious with Max for not single-handedly stopping the invasion.
Meanwhile, Liesl pathetically thinks that Maria’s a good person to go to for romantic advice. They sing a little duet about landing a rich man by getting hired as domestic help.
The Captain calls Maria into the shadows to tell her that he’s being ordered to report to Berlin but not to worry, he has a brilliant escape plan.
Demonstrating his keen military intellect, the Captain can’t even manage to get out of his own house without getting caught.
The local Nazi twirls his little mustache and tells them that they will be forced to perform in public in those ridiculous outfits as punishment.
They rush through a set in their nun-inspired clothes on Austrian Idol and sneak off as the judges are deliberating.
The Nazis figure the only place a family as weird as this would run to is a convent and they storm the gates of the abbey. Sister Bitchface gives them her best bitchface before letting them in. Even the Nazis are a little afraid of her.
The Reverend Mother, demonstrating the kind of thoughtful, loving ideas that only a nun could have, locks the family in a tomb.
Maria threatens to kill any of the children who so much as breathe for the next ten minutes.
Rolf finds the family and proudly pulls his little Nazi gun out.
In a scene dripping with homoeroticism, the Captain overwhelms the little baby Nazi and emasculates him in front of his daughter. Rolf blows his little Nazi whistle and the family runs off.
The Nazis attempt to pursue, but they can’t get their cars started and Sister Bitchface and Sister Lila Quartermaine reveal to the Reverend Mother that they stripped the engines.
As the chorus raises their voices in inspiration, the family escapes Austria without so much as a thought for all the nuns in the abbey, who are surely either dead or imprisoned by now. The end.