Three-way Cage Match!!!!
GOD, we love this show.
“Seriously, stop it with the hedge clippers, okay? You’re embarrassing the rest of us.”
“Oh, looks like someone’s a little threatened by my innovation. Sorry Danna, you’ll have to come up with your own ingenious method.”
“No. Really. I’m trying to help you here. It’s embarrassing. Sally and Jaclyn are laughing at you.”
“I bet you Sally WISHES she knew how to cut hair with hedge clippers. And Jaclyn is DYING to get the Evangelin Treatment. When I win this thing, I’m heading straight to Home Depot and spending my hundred grand on gardening equipment. Just wait till you see my weed whacker eyebrow treatment!”
“Oh my GOD! Did all those bitches get their periods on the same day?”
“Excuse me, Danna. Let me try.
Hmmm. How can I put this nicely?
You’re an idiot and you should just lay down and die right here. In fact, let me help you.”
“Dear Mom, why can’t all women be as gentle and beautiful as you?”
“Tabs, I feel sorry for you. I will be celebrated the world over and you’ll be stuck in New Jersey with your ‘scissors’ and ‘combs’ and you’ll never know the joys of being a true hair visionary.”
“Do you hear yourself? Do you? I mean, it’s not just me that thinks you’re a barking loon. EVERYBODY does!”
“Hmph. Do I smell hair burning? No wait, that’s just your jealousy. Oh well!”
“I swear to Christ, if that little Cabbage Patch Doll isn’t sent home tomorrow, she’ll be sipping all her meals through a straw for the rest of her life.”
“…and the sign will say ‘Evangelin’s Magic Hair Garden!’ And all the Charlie’s Angels will be lining up for …. for a PRUNING! And Tabatha will fall down a flight of steps and break her neck and then she will beg for me to take her in and I’ll install special sinks so she can wash hair in her wheelchair…”