Driving Miss Daisy Crazy
Miss Daisy! Doll, we know you had a shitty time this week but HONEY? We LOVED it! Delicious tension as chatty bubbly hair stylist tries to be diplomatic with her bitch of a wig stand!
“Okay, like, I know you really, really want to look like Christina Aguilera – and that’s totally great? I’m totally behind you on that? But you should really, really think about whether or not you want to commit? To that look? I mean, I’m not saying that you totally look like Patty Hearst or anything, but Christina Aguilera? I mean come ON. TWO HOURS here, y’know? Not that I don’t want to do it because I totally said I would; I’m just saying, y’know? Maybe next week you’ll have an audition or something and you walk in the door all Christina Aguilera-looking and they’re all like ‘Oh shit, we can’t afford Christina Aguilera to like, play the secretary?‘ and you’ll like try to tell them you’re not Christina Aguilera but you would look EXACTLY LIKE HER and they wouldn’t believe you?”
“No, of course not. Are you kidding me? Me, personally, I would probably want to go with something a little more appropria– a little more possib– a little more subdued. Hey! How about you let me make you look like Patty Hearst – I can put you in a little beret and everything – and then AFTER, we can go out and I’ll buy you some really pretty clothes that Christina Aguilera would probably wear if she wore your size. Wouldn’t that be great? Why don’t we do that, hunh?”
“That whore’s like, crazy, I’m telling you. Bitch thinks I’m a plastic fucking surgeon or something. And I’m totally trying to explain to her that she’s kind of horsey looking and she wouldn’t fucking listen so I’m like squirting all kinds of shit on her head and finally I just got desperate and started making her up like she was a bridesmaid and I just want to die. OhmiGOD.”
It’s not that we have anything new to say about her, but God we love her. We have all our fingers crossed waiting for the Mother of All Meltdowns. If it doesn’t happen, we will be bereft and inconsolable.
Pinch dose widdle cheeks! On the other hand, her can-do, little-engine-that-could act, while annoying, is genuine. We hope our little under-voweled Italian can handle the strain by entertainingly melting down and not in some awkward, mascara-streaked, kitchen-knife-grasping showdown.
Hmmm. On second thought…