Musical Monday: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Yes, it’s Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, the sensational movie musical that teaches all girls the important lesson “There’s nothing you can’t have if you have a great set of tits!”
Lorelei is sweet on Gus. And when we say “sweet,” we mean “has her claws in” and when we say “Gus,” we mean “pussywhipped millionaire.” You see, Lorelei has a thing for money and a talent for getting what she wants. Gus’s father doesn’t approve, so they’re planning on running off to Europe to elope.
Somehow, in 5 minutes of rapid-fire dialogue, the plan changes and Dorothy is going to chaperone Lorelei as she heads off to Europe to meet up with Gus. Don’t ask. We don’t get it either.
The gals put on their finest (and the costumes in this film are fabulous with a capital FAB) and head on down to the docks to meet their ship. Dorothy is thrilled to discover…
…the “Men’s Olympic Team” will be traveling with them. You see, Lorelei has a thing for money, but Dorothy has a thing for penis.
We love Dorothy and want to be her when we grow up.
Gus checks Lorelei into their cabin and gives her as stern a talking-to as he’s capable. If she doesn’t behave herself on this trip, his father will never let them get married.
We’ll let the following pictures illustrate our Dorothy love. There is literally not one man in the room that she doesn’t lay her painted claws on.
If we were her, this would be our Christmas card. Except the guys would all be shirtless.
Seriously, we love “Bye Bye Baby.” It’s catchy and sweet and Marilyn manages to make her part sound downright filthy.
Later, Lorelei is scanning the passenger list for rich men to set up with Dorothy. Dorothy rolls her eyes, gathers a table cloth around her and heads off to the pool to have sex with as many men as possible.
See? Put a Santa hat on her and call it done.
We have no funny caption here. He’s hot and the look on her face is priceless. She’s dying to lick it, you can tell.
Much has been made of the gay subtext in this scene and we have to laugh. SUBTEXT?! Granted, we gays aren’t always the most subtle things in the world, but still…
…okay, now they’re just fucking with us.
Seriously, watch the clip. It’s hysterical (even without the Chinese subtitles) and it has a surprisingly modern, even feminist approach to it. The men are objectified for the woman’s pleasure and serve to back up the woman’s performing. How refreshing. But we can’t help thinking that audiences in 1953 must have found this bit pretty vulgar.
Later, in what passes for a bar on what must be the tiniest cruise ship in the world, Lorelei and Dorothy meet Lord Beekham – “Piggy” – and they find out he owns a diamond mine. Dorothy’s all “Oh shit.” and Lorelei’s all “Daddy!”
Lorelei runs off to do Piggy on the dance floor while Dorothy flirts with Malone, who, unbeknownst to her, is a private detective hired by Gus’s father to keep an eye on Lorelei. She’s scorching hot and she picks this schlub? Lorelei’s right. She’s got lousy taste in men.
Later, Lady Beekham (or as we call her “Mrs. Piggy”) shows up and for no reason whatsoever – except that there’d be no plot if she didn’t – whips a tiara out of her purse and shows it off. Tacky bitch.
Later,the girls dress for dinner. Did people really dress like this on cruises back then?
No funny caption for this one either. They just look fucking incredible here and they know it. Look at their faces.
Ladies, print this picture out and stick it on your fridge. Your goal is not to look like they do – they are after all, Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell. No, you should make it your goal to feel like they do. They fucking owned that room the second they walked in. Confidence is hot. Of course it helps that they have those bodies and they’re wearing those dresses, but still.
Anyway, things start getting hot and heavy with Malone, so Dorothy dresses up for…a bullfight? A crucifixion? We don’t get it.
The next day, Dorothy makes a shocking discovery.
Not only is she falling for a private detective, she’s falling for a really lousy one.
Dorothy figures he got pics of Lorelei and Piggy in a compromising position, so the two ladies come up with a plan to get the film away from him.
…get him shit-faced drunk…
…and rip his pants off him. Now THAT’S a plan!
Do we really have to tell you what she asked for?
Anyway, the ship lands in France and the girls immediately spend all their money on clothes, figuring Gus’ll take care of them. Apparently, France makes smart women do really stupid things.
When they try to check into their hotel, Mrs. Piggy is there to stop them and demands that they return the tiara they stole. Malone’s all “By the way, Gus isn’t coming with the money. Dorothy, call me!”
Broke and in trouble with the law, they do what any of us would do.
Sing and dance inappropriately for little boys in the street. Was this code for something?
Somehow, the gals land a gig in Paris. They must have danced for a lot of little boys to set that one up. Gus shows up to be offended.
Backstage, he meets up with the girls, who give him the cold shoulder. They never performed in these outfits in the film, but it’s fun to try and figure out why they’re dressed that way.
Actually, we have no idea why they’re dressed that way.
Gus is all whiny and Dorothy tells him to take a seat for Lorelei’s next number. And then…
Honeys, sit down and watch. One of the MOST iconic performances of all time and with good reason. Everyone from Madonna to Nicole Kidman has tried to recapture this performance and no one’s come close. Sexy, witty, funny and glamorous, there is no one who can do Marilyn as good as Marilyn can. Look closely and you’ll see that that’s pretty much the entire “Men’s Olympic Team” on stage with her. Apparently, they didn’t put a lot of money into the “Hot Chorus Boys” line of the budget.
Like all buddy movies, the cops show up and the gals hatch a plan to escape out the back window. Bing Crosby and Bob Hope are all “Whatever, bitches. We’ve been doing that for ten years.”
At the last second, Gus shows up again to break it off with her. Seeing her chance, Lorelei grabs him…
…while Dorothy poses as Lorelei for the cops.
Okay, yes. The plot just went right off the rails.
Yaddayaddayadda. Everything ends happily. Seriously, that’s the last five minutes of the film. A mad rush to give every character a happy ending. Director Howard Hawks should have just walked in front of the camera and said “We can’t figure out how to wrap this up, so just pretend that we did.”
So, the girls get happiness, 1953-style. Which means, marriage to the two men who fucked them over because they couldn’t trust them. It also apparently means completely covering up all those secondary sexual characteristics they so proudly displayed for the previous hour and a half. Seriously, why don’t you just put them in burkas and call it done?
Feh. They should have stayed with the Olympic Men’s Team.
Next week, it’s all aboard for the Atchison, Topeka and the Santa Fe, bitches! We’re doing the Harvey Girls!
Well, we’re not exactly doing them, we’re…oh you know what we mean.