Sharpen your claws, kittens.
Darlings, when it comes to the Pointless Celebrities arms race, America is and always has been the clear world leader. However, in recent years, we as a country have felt the slight sting of international competition as we gazed enviously over the Atlantic and beheld two of the most pointless celebrities to ever walk the earth. We’re speaking of course of Posh and Becks. Oh sure, they both leveraged whatever talents they have to get where they are, but their true skills are found in their ability to get the press completely foam-at-the-mouth rabid over them.
We sighed longingly as this too-pretty-by-half footballer and his increasingly alienesque wife inexplicably turned the entire western world on its ear. “Why?” we wailed. “Why does England of all places lay claim to two of the most vapid airheads to take up tabloid space? England!! That’s where Madonna went to die, for God’s sake!” They should be ours, dammit! This country was founded to show that we can do everything better than those damn Brits, right?
Well poodles, break out the fireworks because we now we have our chance. Posh and Becks are coming home. And honeys, they are not prepared. The British tabloids may be nastier than ours, but we have a round-the-clock, 200 channels, full on celebrity worship culture going on here. While their people are busying themselves by building them up, let’s make plans for the inevitable tearing down, shall we?
First off, Scientology. They’re gonna fall all over themselves over this shit. Tom and Katie already declared them BFFs forever so don’t be surprised when little Falafel Cruise is born next year and he looks just like Becks. Katie will appear increasingly medicated and Posh’s face will register very little. Including breathing. Which brings us to…
Second, plastic surgery. Oh honey, moving Posh to LA is like Elvis setting up Graceland in Hershey, PA. This can’t be good. Having that many world-class plastic surgeons only a 15-minute drive away is going to have her looking like an insect in no time. Well, more like an insect. It’s only a matter of time before he succumbs too. He’s aging pretty well, but we suspect she’d rather he look as tightly pulled as she does so people won’t talk.
Third, endorsements. Let’s face it, this is why they hopped on the plane. He’ll get the inevitable men’s product, fashion and fragrance ads but we predict he’ll be hawking cable tv channels within 5 years. Her? She’ll want to be the face of Lancôme but one closeup on that overtanned hide and she’ll be the face of
And finally, reality television. Honeys, we’d be surprised if this wasn’t announced in the next 6 months. Let’s hope so. Nothing will turn people from enamored to annoyed quicker than being so self-centered as to think you’re fascinating enough to have cameras following you around 24 hours a day.
Anyway, aren’t you all atwitter? Fresh meat! It’s so rare that we get them all wrapped up in a bow like this. Sit back and enjoy the decline, we say. An arrest within 3 years and a divorce within six. You heard it here first.