Fighting for your rights in your satin tights.
Click play and crank it up, bitches!
Why do the gays love her so? Is it really so hard to figure out? Oh darlings, Jaime
Sommers may have been doing her best to rock the peasant blouse and that blown-out seventies sun-bleached California hair that makes us think she styled it with cocaine, but our girl kicked ass in a bathing suit and four-inch heels, super-shiny hair eight inches off her head, accessories to die for,and a muthafuckin tiara. She was drag queen when drag queen wasn’t cool.
And howabout those accessories! Bracelets that deflect bullets? A telepathic tiara? Earrings that let her breathe in space (don’t ask)? And to top it off, a tasteful gold chain that not only bumps up the bling, but also forces other people to tell the truth and submit to her will? Sure, she might look a little like she should be standing in a used car lot holding a sign over her head that says “SUPER JULY 4TH BLOWOUT SALE!!!!!!!!” but who cares?
Honeys, just admit it. We can all only imagine the endless possibilities of such a useful wardrobe and sigh wistfully.
What budding little homo in the seventies didn’t use up half his mother’s tin foil fashioning his own homemade wonder accessories and surreptitiously spinning in his bedroom? None of them. The bulk of our classmates were staking claim to their own heterosexuality as they gazed proto-lustfully upon Lynda Carter’s magnificent rack, but we precious few were secretly practicing our best impression of her megawatt smile in the bathroom mirror and daydreaming of the day she would come to pick us up to go shopping, practice our Vegas act, and then maybe let us brush her hair for a couple hours.
It goes further than mere nostalgia for a seventies campfest, though. Wonder Woman belongs in that rarified group of American pop culture icons instantly recognized by practically the entire public, from Mickey Mouse to Batman to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and she is, by most standards, the most subversive, most politicized character of them all and most people don’t even realize it.
She was created in 1942 by Dr. William Moulton Marston, a psychologist whose work was instrumental in the creation of the lie detector and a rather colorful figure in his own right. He specifically wanted to create a female answer to the explosively popular Superman, but not so little girls could identify with her, as the conventional wisdom would assume, but so that little boys would.
Now one thing is for sure, Dr. Marston was RAGINGLY heterosexual. So much so that he enjoyed what was by all accounts a loving polygamous relationship with two women, one his wife, both of whom bore several of his children. They all lived happily and openly under one roof, where Dr. Marston, his wife and his mistress all liked to engage in bondage and submission play when the kids weren’t around. Who can’t relate to that, right?
Anyway, Dr. Marston set out to create a character that embodied his most deeply held passions in the hope of indoctrinating young boys into a philosophy that he felt would change the world. Namely, that in order for society to flourish and move forward, we would have to move into a voluntary matriarchy where men would “lovingly submit” to the superior will of women, who would naturally lead the world into a utopia because women are innately good and peaceful creatures whose most awesome power lies in their erotic hold over men.
We’re not making a word of this up.
From this boiling soup of psychology, sexual deviancy, pacifism and pseudo-feminism, he created Wonder Woman, a princess from a magical island with no men where the women live peacefully and submissively, competing in athletic competitions, enjoying bondage games and practicing cunnilingus on
each other (presumably). Sculpted from clay by her mother the queen and given life by the gods who granted her great beauty, strength and will so that she would become their champion and change the world, she combined both the male and female aspects of classic heroic and romantic literature into one person. The princess in distress and the knight in shining armor all in one.
Dr. Marston obviously never achieved his goals and that’s probably for the best, but he captured lightning in a bottle and managed to combine the Rosie-the Riveter imagery and changing roles of women at the time with his own bizarre social views and create a character for the ages.
Now, can anyone seriously question why the gays love her after that? She’s gorgeous, fabulous, divinely accessorized, can dish out the shit like nobody’s business, likes to tie guys up, and has as her main goal the complete destruction of the current social order. Girl, let’s go out for coffee!
If that’s not enough to convince you, how about this. The Queen held an athletic competition in order to decide who would become Wonder Woman and go out to change the world. Like all queens, she was a bitch and she forbid her daughter to compete. Diana, desperate to get off Lesbian Island and at least see a penis before she rejects it, disguises herself, enters the competition and of course, prevailed to the final round, the deadly bullets and bracelets.